loss ;a short poem.

You grew in my womb
For 7 weeks and 2 days.
Such a short while.
Yet it was enough
To dream up a million days.
I imagined your tiny hands,
Your crooked smile.
I thought of where to place your crib
Maybe pink blankets this time.

I imagined long chaotic days,
Restless nights, and contentment
Just us .
I dared to dream of an ever after
I dared to complain
About normal pregnancy events
I dared to fret over my weight gain.
Perhaps I forgot gratitude
For just a while.
But it was for just a while.
Because you were my miracle.
I was proud of you.
My body nourished you
My soul cherished each day with you.
It felt like you made it
Against all odds.
Why wouldn’t you be alright?
And I was naive, in the ability of my body
I foolishly believed in only the good days to come.

I lay on that cold bed
In a stuffy hospital room.
With a probe inside me
And the doctor’s brow furrowed.
She told me you had grown all along
You were perfect,
My heart swelled with pride.
But you heart had refused to beat.
Or perhaps ceased to beat hours prior.
A missed abortion.

A beat.
I lay there, staring at that still screen.
My breath caught, perhaps my heart stopped too.
Wondering about the moment you ceased being
Was I laughing then, oblivious
To the exit of life, from within me.
I stared at the fetal pole, the yolk sac,limb buds.
Oh that terrible stillness,
Instead of a beating heart.

I didn’t shed tears then
I even smiled.
I took your loss
With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child
You would have been proud.
But thunder rang in my ears,
And waves crashed in my chest.

You couldn’t be born, my love.
You won’t have a grave either.
All you’ll leave behind
Is a grainy picture of your ultrasound
A pregnancy stick, I couldn’t throw away.
A video of my pregnancy announcement.
Keepsakes of sorts.

I know you are gone.
The grief comes in waves.
Sometimes, as tears
Sometimes, a lump in my throat,
Sometimes, an ache in my heart.
Phantom echoes of unsung lullabies
Sometimes, a guilt in my soul..
Sometimes, as a prayer
But mostly, acceptance.
I am grateful for these moments
The sorrow that catches me unguarded.
Because thats all I have left of you
That’s all I can give you, my love.
Forgive me my sweet, my heart
Forgive me.

Go home my child,
To the heaven where you always belonged.
I will search for you among the stars.
I will search for you in the bloom
I shall pray for you as long as I live.
Forgive me my love,
Forgive me for being alive when ur not.
And though you will never be born,
I will always love you,remember you.

And we shall meet
In another world.
Just wait for me, my love.
Wait a while.

Neema M Ali

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